How the Groinitch Found Kissmust

Two years in the making! A cast of four! Animal impersonation! Graphic violence! Lots of kissing!

This Christmas season's must-see movie. Two toes up. Enjoy.

Running time: 8 minutes. Any resemblence between actors in this movie and real people is entirely possible. Kissing done by lip locking professionals protected by lip balm. Do not try at home.

LeeP. had a good year. I sold an illustrated story to Boy's Life magazine, which should appear in August. I've also passed the first out of three steps to selling a non-fiction book.

In marketing my caricaturing and school programs, I've broken down and begun mass mailing. It's a lot of work, but the results are hopeful.

My odd job work is growing without any promotion. The divorcees in town call me "the handyman." Then they nod in a way that you're not sure what they mean.

In November, Joel and I continued our streak of Packer games. This time, we met up with my college buddy, Tom Camann, who came through in a pinch and got us tickets. After not seeing Tom for quite a while, we crossed paths twice this year: he and his family stopped in Angola on their way home from a vacation on the East Coast.

In addition to my friends Kelly and Louann, both mentioned in the family blog, I've also begun spending time with a group of high school friends. We've all navigated some rough middle-aged waters, and the sharing and laughing seems to be drawing us closer.

Avrie (6 and in kindergarten) does everything her older sisters do, but she isn't a follower. She's a full fledged member of our family team who just happens to come in a munchkin body.

Her greatest asset is her memory. Of her we've said countless times, "How did you remember that?" Her favorite book is Birds of North America, A Guide to Field Identification. She and I discuss the differences between partridges and pheasants. It's disconcerting when you hear your daughter say things like, "No, Dad, that's a titmouse."

Avrie helps out by doing odd jobs. She can skin a potato and shred cheese. (That sounds oddly off-color, doesn't it?)

Like her sisters, Avrie likes to make money. To help out Dad, she puts stamps and stickers on postcards. Her bank account is currently bigger than his.

Like money, Avrie makes friends easily. I just begin to remember the name of her newest best friend when she tells me she has a new one.

Avrie is into Bratz--dolls with big eyes and attitude. Luckily she doesn't emulate the attitude. She's a very sweet little girl who is always in a good mood.

Morgan (9 and in third grade) eludes description like she avoids a bath. She is a funny, bouncy, talkative, sensitive enigma.

Morgie likes to do everything MacKenzie does, but she doesn't engage fully in any one activity. As her body jiggles and hops, her mind floats like a butterfly looking to alight.

When Morgan does set her mind, the results are impressive. She never has to be told to clean her room, yet it shines. She bores through books like a worm though apples. She makes excellent grades. She likes to do cooking projects alone in the kitchen, but when she does, an obervant person (or nosey parent) can hear continual commentary as if she's working in front of a TV audience.

Morgan's perception is highly tuned. She's the first to grasp a situation and the first to notice hypocrisy, unfairness or inconsistency. When her sisters are mad or sad, Morgan gets silly to make them laugh. For some reason, she loves monkeys.

Remember years ago when people said of the Richard Sauer children, "They're gifted," then would nod in a way that made you uncertain what they meant? Well, Morgan's gifted.

MacKenzie (10 and in fifth grade) wants to be a pediatrician when she grows up. At the rate she's going, she'll be able to pay her medical school tuition in full.

She conducted a garage sale during the summer. I found her pricing odd: a working table lamp was tagged 10 cents while a plastic, empty crayon container was marked $2 (her explanation was that the container had sentimental value). But the customers didn't seem to notice. Both items sold.

On many a hot summer day, MacKenzie and her sisters set up a Kool-Aid stand in front of the house. For our sleepy, residential street, they do embarrassingly well.

More recently, MacKenzie has performed housework for one neighbor and babysat for another. Plus she's started her own neighborhood newsletter, titled "FYI." A copy of the newsletter is delivered free, but ads cost $2.

In general, MacKenzie is a do-er. She loves to bake and draw and paint. In the last week, she started making oven-baked clay figures. She's happiest when making a list and contemplating a new project.

Christmas letter 2005

Dear family and friends:

If I weren't immortal, I'd be worried about the dizzying rate at which the years fly by. I just got used to writing "2005" on my checks.

But I enjoy the end of a year for the chance to look back. Our time is short but wide, for we cram a lot into it. Here's a peek into what we've been up to:

Early in the year the girls and I took a trip to the Toledo Museum of Art. The trip was cut short when one of the girls (her name shall remain secret to protect her from embarrassment) walked by a realistic sculpture and became--how can I put this gently?--TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. She had to get out of the museum FAST. And once outside, there was no way we could entice her back in.

Since the freak out did to our planned itinerary what a pin does to a balloon, on the way home we stopped at the site of the Battle of Fallen Timbers. That was where a confederation of Indian tribes hid among trees felled by a tornado in order to attack Anthony Wayne's army. Look out your window at the houses and streets and you can probably guess who won. The battle broke the confederacy and led to the establishment of Fort Wayne.

The visit to Fallen Timbers tickled our imaginations and gave us the feeling of bittersweet longing. The area is just wild enough to let you feel as if you've gone back in time. A plaque identifies a rock where an Indian leader fell after being mortally wounded. For the first 100 years after the battle, the rock served as a gathering place for Indians as they lamented losing the fight and prayed for a return of their power. The best analogy I can think of is the emotion I get when I look at a comb.

We're no longer talking about Indians, but do you know what a Silverhawk is? I didn't either until this summer. After contacting area Double A baseball games about caricaturing work, I established contact with the South Bend team, which is nicknamed . . . . . the Silverhawks. The relationship hasn't been a boon to business, but it's been great fun.

The girls and I went to four games. My friend Kelly accompanied us to the first game and you couldn't imagine a more perfect baseball day. After the game, the girls joined a herd of kids who scrambled onto the field and ran around the bases.

On the next visit, the girls and I tried a night game. The wind was blowing cold and blustery, so the team gave us a heated luxury box, complete with a TV. As I remember, while I stood in the unheated stadium, nodding and trying to catch the eye of the dozen or so fans who had gotten out of the seats to buy hot chocolate, the girls watched Sponge Bob. The night wasn't a total loss for me. When I went into the luxury box to warm up, I found two orhpan beers in the fridge. Let's just say I gave them a home.

On another cold night when the stands were similary unwarmed by human bodies, the girls were the sole participants in the on-field promotions that took place between innings. MacKenzie "stole" a base. As an MC talked, she ran onto the field and pulled up second base. Later, the team gave her the base after it had been autographed by the players.

Then, after a game on the third of July when the weather was really hot, the team let fans onto the field. So we got to see for free (see how easily that trips off my tongue) a kick-butt fireworks display from the best seats in the infield.

The highlight of our year, once again, was a Lincoln-themed vacation. We traveled to the mother of all historical sites, Gettysburg, PA. The town and surrounding countryside compose one big monument to the 1863 Civil War battle. It's impressive and overwhelming.

The three days of the battle were beastly hot, so the weather cooperated by providing historically-authentic temperatures. The girls' highlight each day came when we stopped at a 7-11 to buy a big slurpie.

At one stop on the battlefield, the girls were playing around a cannon. MacKenzie had watched closely a museum movie that showed how an artillery team worked, so she began to drill her sisters. I forget the routine, but it went something like, "Pack, stuff, fuse, fire." I had my back turned, so the girls didn't know I was listening. Anyhoo, I heard MacKenzie say "Pack, stuff, fuse . . . " then they all called "Dad!" When I turned around, MacKenzie said, "Fire!" I stumbled, fell to the ground and lay there. The girls were stunned, thinking maybe they'd really shot me. Then when they realized I wasn't quite dead, they ran and jumped on top of me.

As we stood up, we heard a noise. Just 40 yards away sat a tour bus full of senior citizens. They'd been watching the whole time. I saw quite a few video-cams pointed our way so we may end up on America's Funniest Home Videos.

Rain fell our last full day of vacation, but it was a blessing. Instead of visiting outdoor monuments, we went to the Jennie Wade House. The house now sits virtually in the center of Gettysburg, but at the time of the battle, teetered on the edge of town. On the first day of fighting, a 20-year-old woman was baking bread in the house when a bullet pierced two doors and killed her. The holes in the door are still there. A tour guide described how Jenny's mother wouldn't leave the body behind, and how she enlisted soldiers to carry it to the basement. We even saw the basement bench where the body was placed as the battle raged.

Imagine a white styrofoam ball with a black-headed pin stuck in it. That's what the girls' eyes looked like when they heard these stories. We talked about Jenny Wade all the way home--to Indiana that is. All seven hours.

Those were the big events of our year, but we enjoyed many smaller moments, too. We particularly liked swimming at Pleasant Lake on hot summer days, walking to the library (and paying an ungodly amount in late fees), visiting our neighbor, Louann, an accomplished storyteller who is always in the middle of something interesting, late-night walks downtown, Friday movie nights and making omelets on Saturday mornings.

Did you get enough? If not, visit the blogs on each of the girls. And don't forget to take a peek at the blog featuring our special holiday gift to friends and family, the video "How the Groinitch Found Kissmust."

Happy Holidays!

MacKenzie, Morgan, Avrie and Lee